Myriad Thoughts

Spring is finally arriving here in the far north. I can tell because the grass is slowing changing hue from that dead dull brown to sort of a greenish color. And with this change, it means yard work. Bleh. I wouldn’t mind it so much except that my spouse has his junk all over the yard. It looks awful, and I know I’m the one that’s going to have to clean it up. I’m not looking forward to that. One of the problems of gardening here is going to be that there really is very little topsoil, since we’re so close to the lake this is nearly pure sand. Quite a challenge to eke a garden out of this, but I’m almost ready to tackle that. I’m thinking raised beds enclosed by timbers. I also wish I had a chipper/shredder here, I could rake up the detritus from the surrounding woodlands and run it through that… it would make a nice addition to whatever actual soil I can skim off from the surface. I don’t think there is any place around here to rent one of those from either, but I’ll be checking into that… or seeing if someone has one we can borrow for a weekend. I also don’t know any local farmers, or I’d be bugging them for their old manure piles. Hehehe. Yes, that’s right, I’m into “organics” as much as possible, though with the earwig problem here, I may have to resort to some chemical warfare this first season to get rid of them.

I miss my dog terribly… Next Spring, maybe I’ll look for another… when the hurt is a bit numbed by time… we’ll see. As it is right now, everywhere I turn I’m reminded of her and how she used to be, and the tears come and get choked back. I never thought I would become as attached to an animal as I obviously am to this one. But this was a special dog, one of those rare ones. I know I won’t ever be able to find another that is anywhere near what she used to be.

This is hard and I’m feeling somewhat bitter about this and a whole lot of other things that have happened over the past ten years or so. It’s been a long series of horror and heartbreak, and much of it caused by external happenings beyond anything involving my choice or ability to control. Yes, I can choose how or whether it will effect me and how I’ll react or not react, but none of that really changes the fact that these things have happened. Some people think I’m a doormat, others think I’m a saint… I’ve certainly shown a lot of restraint, that’s for sure. Is it so bad in this world that a person can’t aspire to be better than all that, and act with that frame of mind intact? People talk so much bullshit these days, I suppose it surprises them when they run across someone who doesn’t… and so they must cast aspersions on that person’s character and mark them as something less than they really are. It probably makes them feel better because what they’re really feeling is a sense of guilt for their own mundanity. Say what they will, it doesn’t make what they say about me true. Words are just words. Judge a person by their actions. If they take up with your enemies, talk about you behind your back, and don’t have the courage to walk that talk, that says more about a person’s character than whatever words they may choose to say to your face. They may see me as weak or ineffectual, but I choose to let them see me that way… I choose to not act ruthlessly because by acting in that way, I would lower my sense of dignity and self-respect to the level of those people, my detractors, my so-called “enemies,” if you can call them that. I don’t. They don’t figure that prominently in my day-to-day thoughts, or even in my life.

Objectively observing myself and how I have dealt with everything that’s happened, I see parallels with certain other people throughout history… those people I admire and respect… and I certainly recognize that they also had their detractors. Indeed, one of them had the entire British empire against him… when it actually *was* an empire. Heh. I don’t expect to ever be popular among people, nor do I see myself as some sort of “leader” among people. That has never been my goal or objective, and I think I would hate that if it ever actually happened. Making friends with the wrong sort of people as a means of becoming more popular is also a somewhat pathetic way to go about it, but I do see this happening rather frequently, and it speaks volumes for the level of insecurity of the people doing that. To not have the courage or convictions to stand alone even if it would mean being unpopular or reviled or thought of as a traitor… that, my friends, is pathetic.

I stand alone.