How to Fuck Up a Relationship.

The following list is an on-going result of my carefully guided studies into relationships and what makes them go wrong. Much of this is based on wretched personal experience with love, but it could apply equally well to any sort of relationship at all (friendship, business, hetero, homo, bi, poly, whatever). Additions and corrections may occur at any time, as the data comes in.

1. Lie.
Lie about something that you know is extremely important to the other person, especially effective if they highly value the truth. Keep the lie going for months and months and embellish it at every opportunity. Get other people involved in your lie so that they can defend you and help you to justify the lie when your lie is discovered. Lies of omission with fancy rationalization, or a complete denial of wrong-doing, are even better. The more stress you can add to the final discovery of your lie, the better.

2. Deny responsibility… for anything.
Blaming the other person, or saying that they “made me do this” sets the direction for all future actions within the relationship. Be late and don’t call. Make promises you have no intention of keeping. Break contracts and commitments and don’t offer a reasonable excuse. Don’t initiate anything. A related strategy involves doing lots of things for the other person, thus building up a justification for future actions by saying “but I’ve done so *much* for you and I get no thanks,” etc. which allows you to make the other person responsible for the relationship, and can thus be used as both a weapon and an excuse when your needs or emotional expectations are not being met. Allow the other person to make all the petty decisions with regard to the relationship, too… that way, when you fuck up the relationship, you’ll have someone else to blame. Deny, deny, deny… even if it can be proven later that your denial is a lie, you’ll deal with that later, not now.

3. Avoid enlightenment.
Obviously, the Dalai Lama knows nothing… you already know everything there is to know about everything and everyone, you’re a perfect being who feels insulted should anyone even suggest otherwise. No one could possibly know anything that you don’t already know, and them telling you something about yourself is seen as an affront to your tender sensibilities. After all, who would know you better than you? You see no need for enlightenment since you’re already enlightened. You have no faults, so if a fault is perceived, it’s obviously the other person who is at fault (see #2). Self-destructive or addictive behaviour has also been found to be very effective in avoiding self-knowledge, but you’ve already got justifications and excuses at the ready and couldn’t be arsed to pick up a book that might suggest otherwise, so you can safely deny any responsibility whatsoever. Justification for *not* doing anything for the other person is also related to avoiding enlightenment; it would, after all, mean self-sacrifice, kindness, compassion, and actually thinking about the feelings of someone other than yourself (those simpering enlightment addicts call that empathy), and you can’t stomach the idea of that. It might, after all, lead to something as gawd-awful as real intimacy, and you’d much prefer to continue to confuse sex and love for each other. Some exceptionally talented individuals manage to give the impression of being intimate while successfully remaining stone-cold and unenlightened.

4. Be needy.
You may or may not have all the material and emotional comforts anyone could possibly want, but that doesn’t matter because only your own emotional satisfaction counts for anything at all. Cry, whine, go into a deep depression, threaten to commit suicide, overdose on drugs or alcohol (go on a binge, you know you want to!), cut yourself repeatedly and then make blubbering phone calls at 3am… draw out the empathic emotions of the other person such that they will do anything or give you whatever you want. Keep them confused and hopping around, doing anything and everything they can to appease you. If crying and whining don’t work, try bullying and playing on the other person’s insecurities. After all, “if you really loved me, you would _____.” It’s so much more effective than simply beating the shit out of them physically, and much harder to wind up in jail, too.

5. Be silent.
Don’t talk because then you might mess up all the lies you’ve already told, or worse, it might actually lead to communication and understanding and reveal what an asshole you really are. Besides, they should already *know* what’s bothering you, if they really loved you that is, so there is no need to talk about anything. You much prefer remaining on that pedestal they’ve put you on, and talking might mean stepping down and becoming, egads, Real/Mundane/Mortal (pick one and stick with it). Hang up on the other person. Go offline in the middle of an online argument. Walk out and leave the other person hanging. The more dramatic your exit is, the better. Ignore at least the first few attempts at their trying to re-establish communications with you. Justify your silence later by saying that you were angry at the other person for some perceived slight to your fragile ego, even if it occurred weeks or months prior… after all, it’s “all their fault” that you’re silent, and their unhappiness at your silence is deserved because they “have it coming to them.” Keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself to ensure that you have Maximum Resentment Potential (MRP), this will justify your neediness and suffering such that you are, once again, the center of their attention.