Directly from the Catapult

Áine on June 20th, 2005 filed in Politics

THE PRESIDENT: Good morning.
ME: Heh.

BUSH: Today we face two issues of vital importance for all Americans: growing our economy and protecting our citizens from those who wish to do us harm.
ME: Ok, so you mean outsourcing jobs, stifling dissent, and putting a spin on everything to placate the television masses. Got it.

BUSH: So in the weeks ahead, I will continue to focus on ways to ensure that our government takes the side of working families, and that America prevails in the war on terror.
ME: In the land of the Church of the Big 180, I guess that means you think unions suck, the citizens are hiding civil liberties behind closed doors and you want in, and you’re going to focus on spending all our money even before we have a chance to earn it. Right.

BUSH: As we take the steps necessary to achieve these goals, we will make our future one of peace and prosperity.
ME: More war. Got it.

BUSH: Today we have good reason to be optimistic about our economy.
ME: Only if you’re not one of the poor or the unemployed.

BUSH: More Americans are working today than at any time in our history.
ME: Only if you count having 3 minimum wage jobs per person as separate people working. By the way, the “more people” lines are really misleading, there are more people coming into the job market than jobs being created that the US economy can’t even keep up with population growth.

BUSH: More Americans own their homes than at any time in our history.
ME: They can’t declare bankruptcy anymore and are struggling under heavy debts. I hear foreclosures are way up, too. Are you still counting those people as homeowners?

BUSH: More Americans are going to college and own their own businesses than at any time in our history — and a new economic report shows that inflation is in check.
ME: Only if you’ve “fixed” the report.

BUSH: Our policies have put us on the track to growth, but leaders in Washington must not become complacent.
ME: Worried someone’s going to leak the real data?

BUSH: We need to work together to ensure that opportunity reaches every corner of our great country.
ME: Pork barrel spending in Republican districts. Got it.

BUSH: Delivering opportunity means allowing families to keep more of the money they earn.
ME: While ensuring that their dollars aren’t worth the paper they are printed on.

BUSH: So we enacted the largest tax relief in a generation.
ME: For the wealthy, and the corporations continue to reap massive tax subsidies from the backs of the workers.

BUSH: That is only a beginning.
ME: The beginning of the end.

BUSH: You need a reformed tax code that is simple, fair, and easy to understand, and rewards your hard work and entrepreneurial spirit.
ME: Let’s see, line 7b says earnings = taxes…

BUSH: And Congress needs to do its part by making the tax relief we passed permanent and burying the death tax forever.
ME: Errrm, let’s call it a “culture of life” tax instead, and say our prayers that there will be some sort of faith-based initiative to pay for all of this semantic framing and bureaucratic paper shuffling.

BUSH: Delivering opportunity also means adapting to the needs of a new century.
ME: Right. You want us to pay for your “Project for a New American Century” in which your friends planned to invade Iraq way back in 1998.

BUSH: In this new century, American prosperity will increasingly depend on our ability to sell our goods and services overseas, so we need to pass initiatives like the Central American Dominican Republic Free Trade Agreement to create a level playing field for American farmers and small businesses.
ME: I think I’d rather have Fair Trade than your definition of “free trade”. Somehow, I don’t think you’ll go for that, though.

BUSH: In this new century, Americans require a reliable and affordable supply of energy.
ME: Your code phrase for the real reason you started bombing Iraq before you had Congressional authorization to use force, right? I bet Halliburton and Cheney figure into this somewhere too.

BUSH: I proposed a comprehensive energy policy to reduce our dependence on foreign oil.
ME: Well, Iraqi oil won’t be foreign oil since it will be owned by American oil corporations, right?

BUSH: In this new century, Americans need to know that if they work hard their whole lives, they will retire with dignity, so we’re working to save Social Security to ensure that the next generation of retirees will be as secure in their retirement as today’s generation.
ME: And your plan reduces the projected Social Security deficit… how? By the way, can we see your plan in writing detailing where this extra money to pay the brokers and the increasing number of Social Security recipients is going to come from?

BUSH: As we work to deliver opportunity at home, we’re also keeping you safe from threats from abroad.
ME: With your new and improved biometric passports and error-filled No Fly Lists, there won’t be too many of us going abroad in the future. Even if we could afford to.

BUSH: We went to war because we were attacked, and we are at war today because there are still people out there who want to harm our country and hurt our citizens.
ME: We were attacked by Saudi citizens. Are we at war with Saudi Arabia? And, by the way, Iraq and al Qaeda were mortal enemies and Osama is still running around loose. I don’t suppose it bothers you that your dad helped create Saddam and Bin Laden via the CIA, and Don Rumsfeld was selling weaponry to Saddam while the Kurds were being gassed. Sorry, I had to bring that up… for old times’ sake.

BUSH: Some may disagree with my decision to remove Saddam Hussein from power, but all of us can agree that the world’s terrorists have now made Iraq a central front in the war on terror.
ME: No. As I recall, it was you and your administration that turned Iraq into the MK-77 and DU weapons swamp that it is.

BUSH: These foreign terrorists violently oppose the rise of a free and democratic Iraq, because they know that when we replace despair and hatred with liberty and hope, they lose their recruiting grounds for terror.
ME: Meanwhile, in Syria, Lebanon, Palestine, Israel, Iran, Uzbekistan, Pakistan, Afghanistan,…

BUSH: Our troops are fighting these terrorists in Iraq so you will not have to face them here at home.
ME: I bet that makes the Iraqis feel really good about your efforts there.

BUSH: We mourn every one of these brave men and women who have given his or her life for our liberty.
ME: Except that you haven’t been to one military funeral, and up until about a month ago, you wouldn’t even allow the release of any photos.

BUSH: The terrorists know they cannot defeat our troops, so they seek to weaken our nation’s resolve.
ME: 1,720 and counting… how about if you tell the Republicans that they either support the effort by signing their kids up at the recruiter now, or we’re withdrawing all troops immediately and going home? And by the way, when are Jenna and Barbara signing up?

BUSH: They know there is no room for them in a free and democratic Middle East, so the terrorists and insurgents are trying to get us to retreat.
ME: Clue for you… that’s what war is all about, trying to get the opponent to retreat. You’d know that if you’d ever been to war.

BUSH: Their goal is to get us to leave before Iraqis have had a chance to show the region what a government that is elected and truly accountable to its citizens can do for its people.
ME: You mean, like HERE? Believe me, they’ve seen what you can do for your people and how you enrich the corporations at the expense of the workers, and perhaps they don’t think it’s such a great idea.

BUSH: Time and again, the Iraqi people have defied the skeptics who claim they are not up to the job of building a free society.
ME: There’s that “free” word again. They’re probably thinking your idea of a “free society” is one in which you “free” the oil and give it to the American oil companies. The Iraqis have already been “freed” from their jobs… pretty much just like Americans, come to think of it. Woo haw, democracy, ain’t it grand?

BUSH: Nearly a year ago, Iraqis showed they were ready to resume sovereignty.
ME: And they wish you’d stop interfering in it.

BUSH: A few months ago, Iraqis showed they could hold free elections.
ME: If those were free elections, they’re doing better than America.

BUSH: This week, Iraqis have worked on an agreement to expand their constitutional drafting committee to ensure that all communities are represented in the process.
ME: Was that bureaucratic layering your idea? Ingenious.

BUSH: I am confident that Iraqis will continue to defy the skeptics as they build a new Iraq that represents the diversity of their nation and assumes greater responsibility for their own security.
ME: Yeah, yeah, the man without a plan.

BUSH: And when they do, our troops can come home with the honor they have earned.
ME: They’ve been coming home with that honor all along, and then you keep sending them back for second and third tours of duty over there. Those that are coming home in caskets earned more than the honor you’ve bestowed on them. And those coming home maimed, you’ve honored them with decreased VA medical care. Nice of you.

BUSH: This mission isn’t easy, and it will not be accomplished overnight.
ME: Then what was that “mission accomplished” speech all about on the landing deck of that carrier around a year ago? Remember, you in the flight suit?

BUSH: We’re fighting a ruthless enemy that relishes the killing of innocent men, women, and children.
ME: Pot. Kettle. Black.

BUSH: By making their stand in Iraq, the terrorists have made Iraq a vital test for the future security of our country and the free world.
ME: This was not a test. I guess I can assume you’ve got the “dirty bomb” in place already so Iran can be blamed when that goes off?

BUSH: We will settle for nothing less than victory.
ME: Only if you call this “victory” : increasing poverty, low wages, lack of healthcare coverage, high prescription drug food and gasoline prices, the destruction of our educational institutions, uncounted deaths of brown women and children, the complete distain for international law and the UN conventions on human rights, the disregard of the Geneva Conventions, and the imprisoning and torturing people for years on end.

BUSH: I’ll continue to act to keep our people safe from harm and our future bright.
ME: Yes, yes you will… at least until around 70% of the American people realize just what exactly the difference is between what you’re saying and what you’re doing, that is.

BUSH: Together we will do what Americans have always done: build a better and more peaceful world for our children and grandchildren.
ME: What’s this “we” shit? Did you actually attend any peace marches since your first inauguration? Didn’t think so.

BUSH: Thank you for listening.
ME: I wasn’t listening, I read the transcript instead. It’s less stressful that way. (Is there a Firefox extension yet that will let me reach through the monitor and bitchslap these people directly? *sigh* Didn’t think so.)

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